The Power of Connection and Resilience Through Middle School Relationships
Over my years at Ambleside School, I have observed a phenomenon in middle school relationships as students complete their K - 8 season at Ambleside.
In their final three years at Ambleside, old rivalries give way to sincere companionship, irritating desk mates become respected colleagues, and most students leave Ambleside as true friends. I have noticed how our alumni students keep in touch through texting or social gatherings and are known for their strong relational skills. I have attributed these qualities in our graduates to our small classrooms, our passionate teachers, and our relational environment that fosters these strong middle school relationships.
Yet lately I have come to wonder if Charlotte Mason’s method itself, the daily narration of worthy texts, has more to do with this result than I thought.
Narration is the simple practice of retelling a passage from a book that has been read aloud or silently. Charlotte Mason, a British educator at the turn of last century (1842-1923), noticed that children have a natural affinity for telling stories, even as toddlers. She leveraged this natural inclination for curiosity and connection into an educational method based in Ambleside, England that found its way into the farthest corners of the British empire.
At Ambleside, our students narrate books read together in the classroom, telling back the passage in their own words after a single reading. They use the author’s language, sequence and detail with ease and interest, and retell the story in their personal style, making it their own.
Could the practice of narration, I wondered, be behind the bonded middle school relationships I observe as well?
To explore this hidden power of narration, I reflected on all I have learned in recent years about neuroscience. Humans are relational beings, and we need connections with others to learn, create, and thrive as humans. Within the heart of every person, is a desire to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure, and when we have this desire met by others, our mind is renewed, our anxiety is calmed, and our resilience is nurtured.
Listen to some leading thinkers in this space:
Dr. Dan Siegel, a pioneer in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, says that the ways we integrate ”—in our brains and in our reflections—and between us—in our kind and compassionate relationships with one another—help build resilience, inside and out.”
Dr. James Wilder, a leading voice in the field of neurotheology, reminds us that “joy is the excitement around the exchange of everything that is good for life” and “the practice of joy builds brain strength and the capacity to engage life with energy, creativity, and endurance.”
Dr. Curt Thompson, author of The Anatomy of the Soul and The Soul of Shame, says that education is a “vocational field where being open to the integration of the mind provides students the option of being known, which...lines them up with the mind of Christ so that they can encounter Jesus.“
Dr. Bill St Cyr, founder and director of training at Ambleside Schools International, says that we give a gift of sacred presence when “in a casual way, we both turn our attention light onto the same worthy object or task. At regular intervals, we shift our attention from the object or task to each other, sharing thoughts and feelings, commenting or speculating, celebrating or censuring.”
Now consider with me what happens in the brain when students daily practice narration:
They direct their attention to the good, the true, and the beautiful. Brain science confirms that we become what we give our attention to; day after day our students give attention to a steady diet of goodness.
They form bonds with others around shared delight and sadness. When they shed tears over Beth’s death in Little Women or laugh at the antics in Old Squire’s Farm, students form a deeper connection with each other.
They practice compassion when others are vulnerable. Students frequently wait in silence while a classmate struggles to narrate. The absence of clamoring raised hands and “I know the answer” gasps makes room for every student to be known and heard.
They practice being present. Narration requires the discipline of remaining in the moment. Neuroscience confirms that it is difficult to practice anxiety at the same time we practice being present.
They develop objectivity. They spend the majority of their school days focusing on the thought of a person (the author) outside of themselves. How often do educators ask students to give their opinion and discuss a text for which they have given no reflection?
They practice being curious more than being judgmental. As they narrate, their mind asks again and again, “What next? What next?” They become curious about the thoughts and actions of characters in their books. Unconsciously they develop the ability to ask questions more often than giving judgments.
A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that, on average, “it takes about 50 hours of time with someone before you consider them a casual friend, 90 hours before you become real friends, and about 200 hours to become close friends.”
At Ambleside in the three years of middle school alone, our students spend over 2,000 hours giving attention to shared work and listening to the differing perspectives of others. Good books narrated together and worthy observations shared day after day, form deep connections of joy in these students’ adolescent brains.
Side by side, bonded by common work and words, our students enter adulthood having learned to “see” and “be seen” by others. One alumni student now in high school reflected, “I got to spend nine years of my life here--with these people. You get to know each other. That’s what Ambleside does.”
As our nation has been deeply divided by opposing viewpoints, I have wondered how long we have traveled down this road of disconnection; we seem to have lost our capacity to hear one another peacefully.
All humans have a deep desire to be seen and soothed, to feel safe and secure, and the events of the past year have uncovered a deep hunger. Charlotte Mason’s approach to education offers a way back, and the middle school students who move into early adulthood among friends and teachers who “see” them, may “encounter Jesus in ways that may surprise them,” and have the resilience to carry others along their way.
Virginia R. Wilcox
Head of School
References
1 Dr. Dan Siegel, The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired (New York, NY, Penguin Random House, 2020) 3.
2 Dr. Dan Siegel, “‘Emotions are “Mentionable and Manageable’: The Mindsight and Kindness of Mr. Rogers’ Brain,” Dr. Dan Siegel.com, November 22, 2019, accessed January 8, 2021, https://drdansiegel.com/emotions-are-mentionable-and-manageable-the-mindsight-and-kindness-of-mr-rogers-brain/.
3 Dr. James Wilder, Joy Starts Here (East Peoria, IL: Shepherd’s House, Inc., 2013), 8
4 Curt Thompson, The Anatomy of the Soul (Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2010), 265.
5 Dr. William St Cyr, “The Greatest Gift of All, ”Ambleside Schools International, December, 2020, accessed January 8, 2021, https://www.amblesideschools.com/blog/flourish/greatest-gift-all.
6 Jeffrey A. Hall, “How many hours does it take to make a friend?”, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, March 15, 2018, accessed January 8, 2021, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407518761225.
7 Siegel, The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired, 3.
8 Thompson, The Anatomy of the Soul, 265.